i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
