The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
