Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
