Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
