I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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