ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
