I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
