Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
