Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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