meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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