My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
