We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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