Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
