I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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