How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
