i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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