Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Terrible idea I love it
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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