if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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