I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
