i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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