So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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