i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize