you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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