The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
