Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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