I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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