I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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