i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
