martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
