her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
