She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize