a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
