moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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