So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
