fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
