Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
