I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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