Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
