can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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