Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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