i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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