Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize