I just threw up on my dentist
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
