i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Randomize
