Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am naked and annoyed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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