I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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