i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
