I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
