I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
