I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
