she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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