True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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