I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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