There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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