also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
