bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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