I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Two words: blizzard sex
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
