I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There's even glitter on my cock...
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