as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
